The most argued topic among today’s youth is Love Marriage Vs Arranged Marriage. I just thought that I will put forward some of my views based on what I’ve heard and what I’ve seen. What is love?
Is it something that happens to a guy when he sees a girl at the busstop, theatre, college and other public places for the first time( the so-called love at first sight)?
Is it something that happens to a guy when the gal he “jolluvittufies” at, turns to smile at him (only because he is her classmate illenaa en madhika poraa)??
Is it something that happens to a guy when a friend of his says “Take care and get well soon” when he is ill(ennamo ivan life la yaarume ippdi akkarai padaadha maadhiri thaan)??
Is it something that happens to a guy when he finds a gal constantly looking at him at a Kalyana Mandapam (Avalukum idhe nenaps irukum)?
Is it something that happens to a guy or a gal when he/she go out on a few dates where they’d have just talked some “sweet nothings”?
Is it something that happens to a gal when a guy she’d known half an hour back offers to drop her home as it was getting late (how sweet he is to drop me?!)?
If I keep listing, it will be an endless one. There are so many such instances by which many decide that they are in love which is very foolish. The worst part is many of them have a girlfriend or a boyfriend just for the sake of having one (illenaa oru paya madhika maataanaamla).
According to the dictionary, love is a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude towards a person. It does not arise through any of the above situations. It arises only when both of them understand each other really well so as to predict each other’s behaviour to various situations, adjust to each other’s shortcomings, trust each other fully(they’d not break–up at petty fights or even big fights for that matter) and a source of encouragement which helps them become successful in life. Such a relationship would only last forever. Nowadays most of theses qualities are absent in the relationships which cause them to break very soon.
“En kaadhal deiveegamaanadhu nu solluvaanga” Enna deiveegam nu paatha, veeta vittu odi vaa naa odi varathuku thayaaraairupaanga. This is absolute foolishness. According to me such people should never be trusted for a lasting relationship. Parents would have poured their love and affection to bring him/her up and would have faced lots of difficulties in the way. Within a few months or even years,(after the love-bug struck) he/she would be willing to leave his/her parents for the guy/gal. If their love is true, they should fight for it and marry only with the blessings of both their parents. You might argue with me saying that if parents don’t agree till the end what would happen to their life? Most of the parents wouldn’t want their children to suffer for long. They are mainly afraid because they feel that their child is not capable of selecting a suitable partner and might end up in a mess. Practically speaking, nowadays many of the relationships break because many of them realize they are not compatible for each other only after marriage when they start living together. So there is nothing wrong in the concern of the parents. However if you take pains in making them understand that your relationship is strongly built around trust, faith, deep understanding and care for each other they are bound to accept at one point of time.
There are some parents who are very orthodox or have an aversion towards the word “Love”. It is better for their children never to fall in love at any point of time and marry the guy/gal their parents point out unless they have confidence (no over-confidence please) that they can convince such parents. Else it will be an unbearable pain convincing them. Such parents will resort to “emotional blackmailing” (or even edho switch potta maadhiri odambu appo mattum sonnadha kekum- edhaavadhu complication vandhudum). They will not listen to all the reasoning that you try to give. Obviously you will not have the courage to oppose them if they fall sick and would have to marry whom they point out ultimately. This will result in spoiling of your own life unless something like “Mouna Raagam” happens (cinema um nija vaazhlkaiyum onna irukaradhu romba aboorvam). But in this situation many of the lovers will resort to running away and marrying. For them their happiness is more important than their parents’ concern and care. There are some who convince their parents after marrying but that does not happen always and in most of the cases “Alaipaayuthey” only result (thappa nadakardhula mattum cinema um nija vaazhlkaiyum romba othupogum). You cannot take chances when “lives” are at stake. Most of them will not think about all these complications when they find someone they like and will become closer to them. Finally when it comes to commitment they will chicken out saying that their parents will not agree (indha nyaanodhayam avaloda/avanoda “flirt” pannum bothu varliyaa). This should be avoided as it affects the other person’s life very badly.
I have extensively dealt on Love and Love Marriages in the above paragraphs. Looking at the other side, most youngsters nowadays feel that arranged marriage will not work out because of their hesitation in marrying someone whom they know only for the past three months or so and three months is not enough to know about a person. I just want to ask such people a simple question- How many months did it take for u to know ur boyfriend/girlfriend? Even they were strangers till u got to know them. You cannot fully understand a person till you start living with that person after marriage. Parents are more experienced than you and would surely search exhaustively before they find a proper match. I have seen successful arranged marriages and failed love marriages and viceversa. Not only this, in case of love marriages, most of the time it will be an inter-caste marriage and the parents would have to answer a lot of questions to their relatives and friends (unnecessary trouble). However in the case of arranged marriages, parents would hold their head high throughout the event and even afterwards when they find their son/daughter happy.
I am not against love marriages. I just want the youth to think well before they confront their parents and putting them into a painful situation. If you feel the ordeal is really worth it and you will not be happy will anyone else other than the person you’ve chosen then go ahead. Be it love marriage or arranged marriage, it will be successful only if the guy and the gal have good understanding between them, adjusts to each other’s shortcomings and have unconditional love and trust for each other. The request I put forth to the parents is that (aamaam appdiye padichida poraanga paaru..still for my satisfaction) when their son/daughter confesses that they love a person do not reject immediately. Do investigate about the person and do whatever you’d do if he/she had been chosen by you. After that if you have any valid reason to reject (that your son/daughter might have overlooked), then do so else please get them married. Please don’t oppose blindly as your son/daughter might be matured enough to select a perfect life-partner for themselves and a caring and loving daughter-in-law/son-in law for you.
Is it something that happens to a guy when he sees a girl at the busstop, theatre, college and other public places for the first time( the so-called love at first sight)?
Is it something that happens to a guy when the gal he “jolluvittufies” at, turns to smile at him (only because he is her classmate illenaa en madhika poraa)??
Is it something that happens to a guy when a friend of his says “Take care and get well soon” when he is ill(ennamo ivan life la yaarume ippdi akkarai padaadha maadhiri thaan)??
Is it something that happens to a guy when he finds a gal constantly looking at him at a Kalyana Mandapam (Avalukum idhe nenaps irukum)?
Is it something that happens to a guy or a gal when he/she go out on a few dates where they’d have just talked some “sweet nothings”?
Is it something that happens to a gal when a guy she’d known half an hour back offers to drop her home as it was getting late (how sweet he is to drop me?!)?
If I keep listing, it will be an endless one. There are so many such instances by which many decide that they are in love which is very foolish. The worst part is many of them have a girlfriend or a boyfriend just for the sake of having one (illenaa oru paya madhika maataanaamla).
According to the dictionary, love is a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude towards a person. It does not arise through any of the above situations. It arises only when both of them understand each other really well so as to predict each other’s behaviour to various situations, adjust to each other’s shortcomings, trust each other fully(they’d not break–up at petty fights or even big fights for that matter) and a source of encouragement which helps them become successful in life. Such a relationship would only last forever. Nowadays most of theses qualities are absent in the relationships which cause them to break very soon.
“En kaadhal deiveegamaanadhu nu solluvaanga” Enna deiveegam nu paatha, veeta vittu odi vaa naa odi varathuku thayaaraairupaanga. This is absolute foolishness. According to me such people should never be trusted for a lasting relationship. Parents would have poured their love and affection to bring him/her up and would have faced lots of difficulties in the way. Within a few months or even years,(after the love-bug struck) he/she would be willing to leave his/her parents for the guy/gal. If their love is true, they should fight for it and marry only with the blessings of both their parents. You might argue with me saying that if parents don’t agree till the end what would happen to their life? Most of the parents wouldn’t want their children to suffer for long. They are mainly afraid because they feel that their child is not capable of selecting a suitable partner and might end up in a mess. Practically speaking, nowadays many of the relationships break because many of them realize they are not compatible for each other only after marriage when they start living together. So there is nothing wrong in the concern of the parents. However if you take pains in making them understand that your relationship is strongly built around trust, faith, deep understanding and care for each other they are bound to accept at one point of time.
There are some parents who are very orthodox or have an aversion towards the word “Love”. It is better for their children never to fall in love at any point of time and marry the guy/gal their parents point out unless they have confidence (no over-confidence please) that they can convince such parents. Else it will be an unbearable pain convincing them. Such parents will resort to “emotional blackmailing” (or even edho switch potta maadhiri odambu appo mattum sonnadha kekum- edhaavadhu complication vandhudum). They will not listen to all the reasoning that you try to give. Obviously you will not have the courage to oppose them if they fall sick and would have to marry whom they point out ultimately. This will result in spoiling of your own life unless something like “Mouna Raagam” happens (cinema um nija vaazhlkaiyum onna irukaradhu romba aboorvam). But in this situation many of the lovers will resort to running away and marrying. For them their happiness is more important than their parents’ concern and care. There are some who convince their parents after marrying but that does not happen always and in most of the cases “Alaipaayuthey” only result (thappa nadakardhula mattum cinema um nija vaazhlkaiyum romba othupogum). You cannot take chances when “lives” are at stake. Most of them will not think about all these complications when they find someone they like and will become closer to them. Finally when it comes to commitment they will chicken out saying that their parents will not agree (indha nyaanodhayam avaloda/avanoda “flirt” pannum bothu varliyaa). This should be avoided as it affects the other person’s life very badly.
I have extensively dealt on Love and Love Marriages in the above paragraphs. Looking at the other side, most youngsters nowadays feel that arranged marriage will not work out because of their hesitation in marrying someone whom they know only for the past three months or so and three months is not enough to know about a person. I just want to ask such people a simple question- How many months did it take for u to know ur boyfriend/girlfriend? Even they were strangers till u got to know them. You cannot fully understand a person till you start living with that person after marriage. Parents are more experienced than you and would surely search exhaustively before they find a proper match. I have seen successful arranged marriages and failed love marriages and viceversa. Not only this, in case of love marriages, most of the time it will be an inter-caste marriage and the parents would have to answer a lot of questions to their relatives and friends (unnecessary trouble). However in the case of arranged marriages, parents would hold their head high throughout the event and even afterwards when they find their son/daughter happy.
I am not against love marriages. I just want the youth to think well before they confront their parents and putting them into a painful situation. If you feel the ordeal is really worth it and you will not be happy will anyone else other than the person you’ve chosen then go ahead. Be it love marriage or arranged marriage, it will be successful only if the guy and the gal have good understanding between them, adjusts to each other’s shortcomings and have unconditional love and trust for each other. The request I put forth to the parents is that (aamaam appdiye padichida poraanga paaru..still for my satisfaction) when their son/daughter confesses that they love a person do not reject immediately. Do investigate about the person and do whatever you’d do if he/she had been chosen by you. After that if you have any valid reason to reject (that your son/daughter might have overlooked), then do so else please get them married. Please don’t oppose blindly as your son/daughter might be matured enough to select a perfect life-partner for themselves and a caring and loving daughter-in-law/son-in law for you.
23 comments:
In short, the diff between Love and arranged marriage is the same as between "committing suicide and getting killed by somebody". This is a famous quote from someone who understood that both the mechanisms lead finally to the same destination. If both the parents and kids understand this, then they will not make a big fuss around this topic.
Anon,
En ivlo virakthi? And indha "famous" quote sonna arivaali yaaru? According to me the period after marriage is the best period of one's life where one gets to learn and experience a lot of beautiful things to the fullest extent -love,care,adjustment,trust, understanding,responsibility. Of course, making marriage a "boon" or "bane" depends on the individual.
Even i dont have much respect to what these ppl call love. I really wonder how come ppl will get love just by seeing (or shall i say staring), coversing few hours, spending few days...
It takes a lot of courage to love and be loved.
Even if two ppl say they are loving for years, i am pretty sure that 99% percent , both of them will not know about the "real" other. Because they will not have the courage to show their real color to other, fearing of losing other. But after the second they are married, they take their partner for granted and then the real problem starts, thats when they come to know the real color of their partner. Usually it will be just opposite of what they have seen during their love.
Its very rare that ppl are matured enough to accept their partner for herself/himself. That maturity comes only when the expectations are less. I think that is less in arranged marriage than love.
Bharani,
True in many cases nowadays. But people loving each other truly will surely show his/her true self else it means that he/she has no faith in the relationship.
The list of bad examples for love keeps going.With this ahead even those who really love are also put in trouble.
According to me LOVE is a CURSE to the MANKIND.
U have to go thro a series of ordeals b4 reaching ur destination.
paathu pazhagi vandha kadhala vida purinju vaazhdha kaadhal rombave strong appadi patta kadhala manasula sumandhudu irukkum bothe adha maraka solra situation rombave painful.Andha valiya thaanga manasula nejamave thembu rombave venum.
According to the scientists,of all the pains that exist in the world the most crucial one is the pain when a women feels while giving birth to the child.They have scaled the pains in some units and the pain during pregnancy gives the max no of units.This pain is physical but
if u really love a guy and he also loves u the most and both the guy and girl are really blessed with true love but a situation comes where there is no hope for them to join and their fate is to be decided by the chains of hope that pain is far more painful than the pain i cited above.The crucial pain borne by the mother while giving birth to a child is borne by the true love mentally when chains of fate tie ur hands and tries to test ur love to the maximum extent possible.
To some people this might sound very wordy and cinematic and what not but this can only be felt and not expressed thro words..
For those who can realy feel my words My Prayers for you becoz im sure u will also be going thro the same and for those who say that this is just a decorated sentence my hearty wishes for you as you shud never feel like this in any moment in ur life.May ur life be as sweet like this ever after.
love,
urs
Hello the anonymous above, don't ever compare a mother's child delivery pain with anything in this world. It's just a re-birth of a woman and it's stupidity at its best to compare that pain with a love failure pain ;-(
I read somewhere the pain measures around 9.5 (some pain measuring units) and it is the highest ever that a person can bear.
Ellam Maayai !!! ;-)
whatever be it if one tries to prepare himself to accept life then there comes no problem.
For example if u take a stone and keep it near to ur eyes and see then u will see it to be very big.But at the same time if you keep it far away from ur eyes and see then u will see it to be very very small.
In life all the ups and downs are like this only.Once you are going through it then u will feel as if it is a biggest ordeal that u can every have but if you go pass it and see back then u will not feel the same.
Life can never be as expected.
There's one saying
"Change is the constant thing in this world"
Every situation will change.If u are going thro pain today tommorow u will not go thro the same.The cycle of life is ever changing.
For the anonymous above,
(who has given her/his comments)
i dont complain u for comparing a love failure with mothers pain bcoz u r now in that pain and u will soon go pass it.So Dont worry.Life is a gift from god.May be god will not give you now what u want but he will definitely give you what is the best for you.
Here again i wud like to quote a favourite saying :
"Arrow goes forward only after pulling in to backward.
Bullet goes forward only after pressing the Trigger backward.
Such that.
Every human being will get happy only after facing the difficulties in their life path..
So don't be afraid to face your difficulties.
They will push you forward."
So go ahead!!!Every situation is to make u all the more stronger
LIFE HAS LOTS MORE TO OFFER YOU.There are going to be more happier moments in your life.Be cheerful
urs,
anonymous
Wow, I never knew my post would induce so much feelings among people. I agree with what the "last" anonymous has said. All bad things have to come to an end just like all good things do. Everyone faces only that amount of pain that they can handle. If you are going through big pain then you are stronger than a lot of people and when u come out of it u will be a lot more stronger and wiser. Later on in life you will surely feel that it was worth going through that pain else you wouldn't have gotten such a wonderful life now.
This is with respect to Bharani's comments ...
I do agree with what you say but i feel that the % is surely less than 99 !
One more thing - Do you think ppl are their "real" self in case of arranged marriages ????!!!!
surely not, even in arranged marriages at least for the first few months, each one tries to be the goody-goody better-half.
idha dhaan tamizh le "Aasai 60 naal, moham 30 naal" nu solluraanga. Assuming this calculation(60+30) to be correct, the 91 st day is equivalent to ur 'the second after marriage'- in case of love marriages !
coming to the comparison of the pains ....
pls do not compare physical pain with that of mental pain & strain.
& for the anonymous who thinks "Love is a curse to mankind", just like what the above two comments say - "If God takes you to it, he will surely take you through it(in the way thats best for u)". My sincere prayers are with u.
Narayya kadhai pesareenga pa...ellam nalla thaan irukku padikiradhukku...aana avanga avanga anda matterla maatum bodu thaan teriyum...
Naanga inda maadiri ettana pera paathiroppom :-)
Love and arranged marriage success is all about fullfilling expectations in life. Your expectations will be high and finally end up in disappointments. This even happens in friendship. So many people find it difficult to distinguish between friendship and love. Kadala podravaraikum podalam. Love pathina pechu vandhu ithanala nan kooda frienda dhan pazhginenu oru poi sollalam. This kind of people is ok. But indha kadalaya oru physical relationship varaikum kondu poitu that was for fun nu sollitu poravangalum irukanga. Love panna vetla othupangalanu therinja apprum dhan love pannunum. Before u propose the person ask ur parents.
One final point. Oru frienda nenachu pazhagina avaloda pesanum. Dialogues adika kudadhu.
I would argue on marriage vs staying single :-)
Why do you need to get married?
100% correct Harish :-)
Good Discussion going on!! Everyone has a valid point but as Harish said, each experience is new in its own way. All these discussions can just act as guidelines.
Ferrari,
U need to get married so that u have someone who is there specially for u. Parents will not be there throughout ur life and friends also will have a life of their own to attend to. But ur life partner takes part in all phases(sad or happy)and will be with u thoughout ur life. The feeling of someone being there specially for u will be just great. As I've said before in one of the comments, according to me the period after marriage is the best period of one's life where one gets to learn and experience a lot of beautiful things to the fullest extent -love,care,adjustment,trust, understanding,responsibility.
Isnt it selfish, if I get married just because there will be someone when I feel lonely, and some shoulder that I can lean on? :-)
How many people are getting married genuinely for each other? Arent hormones, parents pressure, fear of being alone etc etc the reasons people get married? Not everyone. But most!
Hey the topic and the discussion are really gud. Initially I thought of asking some questions to you. Since you have analysed the topic in all the angles, no more questions to u :).
Who is this Anonymous?...he/she always prays/blesses others :)
Ferrari,
Everyone needs someone to depend on or trust upon at some point of time. What is the point in being lonely and of no use to anyone? In fact that is selfishness. When u are married, ur spouse also looks up to u for everything and viceversa. U realize ur capacity to love fully only when u have someone specially for u.
People marrying for the reasons u cited above might exist but my explanations don't concern them. I talk about those who marry for the sake of entering into a long-lasting fruitful relationship.
BalaG,
Yep,the discussions are really interesting. I am enjoying them.
One minute. Just because a person is single, does it mean he/she is of no use to anyone? ;-)
Ferrari,
I just meant that people living alone will miss a lot of things(which I've mentioned before) if they don't have someone to live for. There would be no sense of belongingness.No offense meant :-)
It is human tendency to always like to be on the other side of the river. While as bachelor, I thought why I shud live on this earth, but after getting married I feel drained seeing the huge responsibilities standing before me. I remember the song
2 manam vendum,
ninaithu vazha 1
maranthu vazha 1
It be re-written as
2 manam vendum
Married vazkai-ku 1
Unmarried vazkai-ku 1
anonymous,
Isn't it better to be satisfied with what we have than always desiring something?Anyway hope to see u experience happy and memorable phases in ur life soon
Your Views on this topic (Arranged Vs. Love) simply Rocks. Your points are very clear and I fully agree with what you have to say. (By the way, just noticed that you have added my blog in the list of your viewed blogs, lol, is it worth a visit, i dont know, anyways.. thanks...)
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